it’s been a decade since the last time I remember talking to you
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i'm sorry.
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i’m sorry for being too much.
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not me looking at a $8k 5-octave marimba and thinking “yeah, I could probably finance that shit if I stick to this new job and career path long enough”
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i suffered a massive setback today and i honestly just want to curl up into a ball and cry more but i think i’ve dehydrated myself
the worst part is that i can’t even bring myself to talk about it because i’m the one who fucked up, as usual
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32
it hurts.
i never want anyone to ever experience what it’s like to cry into your birthday cake in front of family.
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i think things are finally turning around for me
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31
i have never felt so utterly useless and worthless as i have this past year
i’m not happy with where i am and nothing i’ve done has made things betterand really, nothing else will at this point.
i feel like i’m trapped with no means of escape.
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not that anyone needed to know but i’m still pretty fucking miserable and haven’t made any steps to change that because of just how discouraging everything is
best i can do is to keep smiling and pretending that everything is okay with me
holy fuck it’s only been three months since my last actual post what -
i’m sorry i no longer have any redeeming qualities whatsoever
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30
maybe this decade will be better than my last one
maybe this time, I can go from being a complete mess to being at least a little better at the end of this next decade
but who am I kidding, I will probably sink even lower or just not be here anymore -
would be wild if hypothyroidism ends up being the answer to why i haven’t felt okay in a long while
i’m not even in my thirties yet -
today was the first time in a very long time where I ended up holding eye contact with a stranger for at least three seconds and I felt like my existence was validated
that or I think I just look better with a facemask on or better yet, a paperbag with holes cut out so I can see
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i don’t like me.
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